I write these lines with fear, doubt and the uncertainty of not knowing what the reader will think of me when it reaches the end of this text. I write these lines with wide open chest, with exposed heart and the soul in peace. I write these lines because I always thought this adventure was not about visiting places, it was more an inner journey. Because this blog is the window where I present myself without masks. I write again after a long time because I had nothing to say and you know what they say, “open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than silence”.
I write these lines after completing my first meditation retreat. A retreat that taught me endless lessons I didn’t expect. “From Hungry Ghost to Being Human” is the name of the adventure I’ve been immersed during 5 days. No internet, silence for (almost) all the time and six hours of meditation everyday. Based on the five precepts and the four Brahmaviharas Buddhist(Metta or loving kindness, Karuna or compassion, Mudita or sympathetic joy and Upekkha or equanimity), it brought up things I could never expected. The five Buddhist precepts are a guidelines on how to life our lifes:
– Don’t hurt ourselves or others.
– Don’t take what is not given to us, not stealing.
– Don’t harm ourselves or others with sexual misconduct.
– Don’t use false speech (lying, gossip, rudeness …)
– Don’t take intoxicants which lead us to carelessness (not using drugs or alcohol)
Nowadays we live in more than two places at the same time, more interested on what people say on social media or in answering every instant message sent to us than in enjoying what is happening right now. I discovered in meditation one way to reconnect to myself, to my true essence. It’s amazing staring to nowhere and just watch life going on in front of our eyes. Forget about going from one place to another, stress, boredom and seeking for something all the time. Forget we are what we think and just start being.
One of the most popular methods I’ve practiced is Metta meditation which means loving kindness in Sanskrit. Trying to be able to send love to ourselves and to people we love and even to those who have been difficult in our lives. And one of the most important methods is based on forgiveness. And this is where I take off my costume, where I present myself as I was, as I am becoming. I know maybe most people will not understand me. I don’t look for understanding, I just tell my story. An experience based on the knowledge I have now about my life and my thoughts. A few months ago I knew the girl who left Spain will not be the same as the girl who will return (or not) some day.Today I am sure that nothing will ever be the same.
One of the purpose of the long hours I spent meditating was to look back in time. I faced my past the one that sometimes hurts. A past I was not being able to let go and sometimes tortured me and didn’t let me move forward. I’ve learned the value of the word forgiveness. I’ve learned to forgive a person who long ago hurt me due a severe addiction that left me completely devastated for so long. I’ve learned to forgive myself for hurting the ones I love with acts or words. To forgive the way I mistreat myself physically and psychologically, for chosing the easy path, for not facing my hungry ghosts. For not learning how to develop tools that allow me to deal with complex problems. For being reckless so many times, for driving my life into dangerous situations or to lead me into depressions or panic attacks.
It’s been four months since I drank alcohol for the last time and I don’t miss it. I know many may consider my words an exaggeration, but at this time I’ve learned a lot about myself, about how I acted for a long time. Therefore, today I want to see life without additives, I want to control my actions, I want to be fully aware of every movement, every thought, every step I take. This is the reason why I closed my retreat with a ceremony in which I took a sacred vow called Sajja and I promised not to take alcohol that lead me to carelessness for at least one year. Perhaps I would be able to rnew,w it on the 28th of August.
Meditation is the way to control our thoughts instead of letting them control us. It is the healthiest and cheapest way to quiet the mind and start living a full life, facing that yesterday is yesterday and is past, that today is today and it’s new every hour, every minute changes. And if we stop observing change then we stop to seeing everything as something new. All that matters is what we are experiencing now. We have to let go and stop worrying about things that would come. By practicing meditation we develop the power and the courage to return to that which we have spent a lifetime hiding from, the present moment, even if it is a feeling of uncomfort or unfair.